miss you

November 14, 2008 was the worst day of my life. 

I miss you Daddy.

reality shock

Oh, hey... yeah, I'm still here. 

It has been a difficult road up to now, and it continues to be difficult. The lil' devil on my shoulder constantly tells me to quit and questions my ability. Constantly. 

It is tiresome and overwhelming. It consumes my every thought... the thought that I have nothing to fall back on and what happens if I'm not good enough. I know people who love me are sick of hearing me degrade myself every time they talk to me. they love and support me, but seriously, how much can only a few people take? 

How do you change your deepest thoughts? How do you go from a negative nancy to a positive polly without it being completely artificial. 

As I procrastinate the loads of reading and studying, I find myself watching the make believe hospital drama shows where everything turns out well, people learn their skills in an instant, and the heartache ends with hugs and kisses. I watch episode after episode until no more. The reality is that not everything is like the make believe stories I watch. In a recent show, there was this quote:

 "your covering up your lack of ability with extra work". 

Man, did that resonate with me!

Do I do that? Do I make a mountain of a mole hill on a daily basis because I lack the ability and try to compensate with the busy work? My peers have loads of free time and act like this year is a joke. They breeze through the exams and quizzes unscathed. I, on the other hand, take forever in a day to summon the courage for the exams and squeak by. WHY? Why is everything so damn difficult and time consuming for me? 

The reality shock of how little I know and the responsibility of what is in store has me shook up. Bad. 

Don't get me wrong... I want to do this, but I'm just going through a really bad patch where there is absolutely NO confidence, NO self worth, and NO positiveness coming from within.

Press on. Put on a smile. Expect the worst, hope for the best... that's what I'll do.

catching up...

I don't have a lot of time, but what's new?!?!

First things first...

Sammy Noodle is doing great! He paw has healed nicely and runs around here just like he did 14 years ago when he was a wee lil' kitty.

Jaco and Bella are doing great.

Jesse and I are doing great.

Spring is here, and I can't tell you how nice it is to have the windows open to hear the sweet birdies chirping.

School continues to kick my rear -- I try to take each day as it is though some days are much harder than others. One day, I know this hard work will pay off.

All in all... the Schartz household is well.

Much love to you from Columbus!

How are you?!?!

update...

Sammy is healing nicely...

 hello friends...

here are photos from Wednesday...

here he is bullying me to get attention...

here are photos from today (Friday)

hard life this lil' guy has...

love to you from me :o)

day 4 update...

Sammy seems to be doing great...

with the new cone of shame he can't get to his sutures, and that is wonderful!!!

This is me trying to do homework this afternoon... 

"Mom, pay attention to me!! Forget about the culture and journal readings... I am the PRIORITY"! 

Don't mind the horrific photo of the girl behind the cute kitty :o) 

 a better look at day 4 post-op sutures...

and finally... this message is brought to you by your local dentist...

remember to always floss your teeth.

always. always. always.

*** ALWAYS***

me after a few fillings this morning :o(

if that doesn't scare you, then I'm not sure what will!!!

Love to you from me and my new teeth! Muah!

update...

Sammy appears to be a bit more like himself. Today has been especially hard for me because I am trying to catch up on the school work that has fallen to the side in order to take care of him, and he is having nothing of it. 

this was last night... this is his kitty narcotic deep sleep :o)

"Love on me, Mom". 

"Hold me, Mom". 

"Put your books away, Mom". 

"I'm missing a toe, Mom... I deserve to have your full attention".

"If you don't do what I want Mom, I will bite you." and he did just that. He didn't draw blood thankfully, but he latched on to my cheek, and I knew if I pulled away... I'd have a chunk out. My thoughts... he's lucky he just lost a toe, because I wanted to throw him across the room for that lil' stunt.

Through the night, the perfectly lined up and beautiful sutures were attacked... he found away to reach his paw up into his 'cone of shame' and groom himself.

This is a picture of last nights sutures...

Imagine the feeling in my gut when I walked in this morning to see his lil' blood filled paw.

Not.good.at.all!

so... after a slight major meltdown on my part, Jesse went to the pet store and got a larger 'cone of shame'. There is no way that he will outsmart this one.

But...

he is realllllly mad at me when it is on.

Exhibit A:

"I'll show you Mom"... 

Exhibit B:

 "this is my pissed off look... I want to bite you again"!

In other news...

I'm not getting any homework done and school is in full swing. I've also found my love of oatmeal and banana again. This time, with the help of Hungry Girl to the Max cookbook, I decided to add a few mini chips. O'so delicious. Dinner last night and again for breakfast/lunch this morning!!!! :o)

Love from this grateful chanimal Mom to you. Muah.

Sammy Noodle ...

this week has been an emotional roller coaster for me --

my Sammy Noodle...

on Thursday went to the vet. 

Wednesday night I noticed that he wasn't putting any weight on his front right paw. When we got a closer look, the underneath pad appeared very swollen and angry. 

If you know anything about me, you know how much I desperately love these chanimals of mine. You also know that I am an open book of emotions and if something, anything, is wrong with them... I am unconsolable.

I was unconsolable to say the least.  

Thursday just happens to be my 12-hour clinical day -- something that can not be missed. I begged Jesse when he was taking me to school that morning to call the vet when they first opened to get Sammy in on Friday.

Friday was all booked up. :o( Jesse decided to skip school that day (Thursday) and take him to the only opening they had, 3 pm.

Long story short... it is a tumor. The doctor was unsure on Thursday whether it was a tumor that had metastasized from a mass in his lung, or whether it was a fatty tumor that just happened to be on his paw. They did blood work to ensure he could undergo anesthesia... after all, he is my 14 year old baby kitty. Blood work came back great :o) 

That is the information I went to bed with on Thursday night. We were taking him in at 7:30 am Friday morning to have chest x-rays and proceed from there.

Friday morning rolls around, and I.am.a.mess. I hold all my tears in until I walk into the vet office and start talking with the vet assistant. A river begins to flow my eyes.

Then it gets worse. The doctor sits down and tells me that she had done reading over the night and discovered that majority of these tumors do come from lung masses and that they are inoperable. 

87% of these tumors that appear on paws are mets from lung masses.

I'm proud to say... my Sammy Noodle is of the 12%. His chest x-ray was clear. I only had to wait 4 long hours for this good news!! 

Unfortunately, he lost a toe with the tumor removal, and is recovering at home secluded in my office.

**********WARNING**********

If you don't want to see photos... STOP READING NOW!!!!

I did nothing Thursday night other than spend time with him... here we are on the couch cuddling. You can't see it very well, but his front right paw is extremely swollen. 

Here is Friday night after the toe amputation / tumor removal. 

It looks gruesome, I know.  He was walking around as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. 

Whenever I pet him, pick him up, or simply lay on the ground with him... he is happy and purring :o) That aspect is comforting even though I know that he isn't completely out of pain yet. He gets a kitty narcotic and antibiotic every 12 hours.

Here is this morning (Sunday) after our morning brush....

He looks larger than an 11 lb cat here, huh!?! I'd just medicated him and sat petting / brushing him for nearly an hour.

Here is an underneath view of the paw...

It is still visibly angry looking, but it looks less angry than Friday night. 

And here is our mutual love...

I will keep the blog updated as I can regarding him and his recovery.

love to you all from Columbus :o)

nothing but the truth...

* yesterday was my Father's birthday -- January 2, 1924

* I sang silently to him, wishing for him a wonderful special day in Heaven.

* my new year has been quiet thus far

* not really excited to start the new semester 

* I am friend lonely. 

* the snow and winter is stunningly beautiful!!!

* the icicles hanging from my house earn ear-to-ear smiles 

* the scale has not been nice to me this holiday season

* My Christmas was family filled and I enjoyed every bit of it!

top resolution of 2013

to give unconditional love.

0545

Thanksgiving...

our trip to Oklahoma was nice and relaxing!

the dogs were fantastic road companions and wonderful house guests at the in-laws.

~~~

some photos...

meet Daisy Schartz -- oh.my.goodness. what a sweet dog!

and of course, my sweet Bella after a busy Thanksgiving day.

and the following night...

I've never been so happy to see Ohio than I was last night after 10+ hours in the car.

this is pretty nice to come home to!

 but this lil' guy is what I was waiting on!!!! This is Sammy Noodle this morning while I was writing a paper and getting back to the grind...

then he curled up in my lap...

going on a break from school is uh-mazing...

what sucks is when it ends and you have to go back to reality.

no more eating as much as I want...

no more ignoring the school work that piles up...

no more lazy days...

the next two weeks are going to be hard.

H.A.R.D.

But then I get to spend Christmas in Tampa!

nice day to be outside...

hello handsome :o)

man and his best friend...

Bella and I started to walk away, and I could hear Jaco crying in the boat. 

 Jaco was waaaaay to worried about Bella and I to even enjoy his kayak ride...

Jesse had to let him out... he went about his way while I walked home with two super excited dogs!

Every dog in the state of Ohio was along that river today...

Bella barked at every.single.one.of.them.

Loudly.

I hope you enjoyed your day!

love, me.

missing you...

It has been four long years without you.

I think of you everyday. 

I wish that I could still hear you give me words of encouragement when I'm down.

I wish I could still get that Fatherly advice that I always took to heart... even when I didn't want it.

Selfishly, I wish that you could still be here with me.

You are, just always and forever in my heart.

forever. and. ever.

I hope you are proud of who I am.

Sometimes when I act out, I know "eagle eyes" are watching.

You always watched. 

When I was starting to head in the wrong direction... you watched and disciplined.

Thank you.

You have absolutely no idea the love I have for you.

You may have an idea. 

There is a permanent whole in my heart without you.

I love you. 

Always have. always, always will.

Four l-o-n-g years today.

Rest in Peace, Daddy.

cross eyes...

OB is h-a-r-d.

there is no room for a weak individual in the field of OB nursing...

I've nearly passed out twice... 

I'm fairly certain, almost positive, that it will not be the place for me.

***

lots and lots of reading and studying for OB.

there is no privacy in OB... 

lots of vagina and booby talk... 

***

Even worse than inspecting privates...

 the worst subject known to man... statistics.

I have nothing nice to say about the subject of statistics.

***

this is how I feel these days... 

this is how I look ... always with my head down in this blasted OB book...

love to you and you...

from me.

muah.

hello strangers :o)

I haven't blogged in a while... holy moly!

things are good, but very busy.

so far this year of nursing school is 1,000x better than last year.

no joke.

don't get me wrong... it's still hard as poop, but easier... I don't know how to explain it.

my pediatric rotation was AMAZING.

UH-MAZING.

I miss it already.

{weird coming from someone who doesn't was any children, I know}

OB started yesterday and it has the potential to be amazing as well...

 maybe even beat out pediatrics, who knows?!?!?

the last week has been a h-u-g-e blur...

exams, finals, lectures, midterm reviews, lots of stats homework and labs... 

oh and work, home and family. let me not forget that!

I never know how I get through it when leading up to it, it seems like a mountain that I'll never succeed.

we are over the halfway mark of this semester... I can't believe it.

Jesse and I have plans already set in stone for Thanksgiving and Christmas...

this makes me happy, and gives me something to look forward to!

love to you all... 

from,

yours truly!

trying not to drown...

study.

study.

sleep.

work.

eat.

study.

pediatric nursing is uh-mazing.

I HATE STATISTICS!

school is in session...

i'm in full freak out mode tonight.

much love to you.

and you.

and you.

leave a comment and tell me how much you miss me ;o)

then leave another comment and tell me what you have been up to!

~me

more quilt and dog pictures...

the beginning of the back...

I decided to add some of the leftover scraps to the back because I didn't have quite enough backing material from my stash. You can't tell from the photographs, but the backing fabric is a beautiful paisley. The actual blocks you see are rejects that didn't make the front. Once quilted together, I think I'll really like the final product!

she looks so innocent here :o)

*swoon*

*double triple swoon*

the completed back...

ready for batting!!! (I have to buy it tomorrow)

 

a pillow case with the extra fabric :o) It turned out really nice!!!! 

***

school starts tomorrow.... I'm officially a junior nursing student 

*insert scary music here*

hopefully all the stars will be aligned this semester!

love to you from me.