reality shock

Oh, hey... yeah, I'm still here. 

It has been a difficult road up to now, and it continues to be difficult. The lil' devil on my shoulder constantly tells me to quit and questions my ability. Constantly. 

It is tiresome and overwhelming. It consumes my every thought... the thought that I have nothing to fall back on and what happens if I'm not good enough. I know people who love me are sick of hearing me degrade myself every time they talk to me. they love and support me, but seriously, how much can only a few people take? 

How do you change your deepest thoughts? How do you go from a negative nancy to a positive polly without it being completely artificial. 

As I procrastinate the loads of reading and studying, I find myself watching the make believe hospital drama shows where everything turns out well, people learn their skills in an instant, and the heartache ends with hugs and kisses. I watch episode after episode until no more. The reality is that not everything is like the make believe stories I watch. In a recent show, there was this quote:

 "your covering up your lack of ability with extra work". 

Man, did that resonate with me!

Do I do that? Do I make a mountain of a mole hill on a daily basis because I lack the ability and try to compensate with the busy work? My peers have loads of free time and act like this year is a joke. They breeze through the exams and quizzes unscathed. I, on the other hand, take forever in a day to summon the courage for the exams and squeak by. WHY? Why is everything so damn difficult and time consuming for me? 

The reality shock of how little I know and the responsibility of what is in store has me shook up. Bad. 

Don't get me wrong... I want to do this, but I'm just going through a really bad patch where there is absolutely NO confidence, NO self worth, and NO positiveness coming from within.

Press on. Put on a smile. Expect the worst, hope for the best... that's what I'll do.