ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I often have days like today... days where I ask myself, "Becky, what in the hell are you doing? Why on Earth did you do this to yourself? Why didn't you just stay put and enjoy the job you had?" Then a few days later, I come to my senses and realize that I was unhappy in the military, and for the fact... still am, and wanted more out of life. I wanted to make people proud. I wanted to feel good about my life when I'm looking down upon it...

Today is one of those days where I want to quit. QUIT! I rarely say this stuff on my blog because of what people will think. "Yup... time would come when she would cave". "Yup... I told her she should have stayed in". "Yup... she really isn't smart enough to do any better...".

I so desperately want to make people proud, and I always feel like I disappoint. Regularly.

So...
:: I have two H.U.G.E exams this week; anatomy tomorrow and medical terminology on Thursday.
:: I'm not ready for either, and not because I haven't tried.
:: All I do is study. Seriously.
:: Except for the few breaks that I do take to see my husband, see my kids, and spew my feelings all over the interwebs.
:: I drink a lot of caffeine.
:: I eat too much because I'm a stress eater.
:: I have no friends and the few I do have aren't here.
:: My family is far away
:: I have no life whatsoever
:: I feel stupid always crying to Jesse... he's going to think he married a pansy.

Seems to me, that this kindof SUCKS!

Why the sudden "I hate my life" post... because who knows whether all of this stress | pain | craze is worth anything.


Sitting in anatomy lab today, (where I had a kleenex full of vicks so I wouldn't pass out like I almost did last week) my TA mentioned that a year ago didn't get into the OSU Nursing Program. I probed with questions, (because I'm just that kind of gal) and learned that she was a 3.8 GPA student at the time... and didn't get in.

If it is true that they only accept based on GPA, yours truly is crap out of luck. My first quarter chemistry grade killed that along with my self confidence. Granted, I pulled all A's last quarter, but those grades aren't on my application. An application that I worked my tail off to perfect and look great on.

So... my TA said that we should be hearing soon whether we are accepted. I know that she is just a TA and I should take her words like a grain of salt, but they still hurt to hear and scare me to the core. To the core I tell you.

I left school a complete and utter emotional mess (all feelings internal... I don't cry in front of teenagers) and decided to stop by the grocery. After that, I stopped and got a much needed diet coke, then came home for my lunch.

When pulling in my driveway, a lone tulip welcomed me and my pity party home. I decided at that moment that I needed that tulip more inside than the squirrels needed it outside. I immediately pruned and placed it in a milk glass vase.

It's beautiful.

And it is happy...

But is is overly happy, because it knows I'm happier in its presence. That is a tulips main purpose :o)

Just look at it smiling.

Now... I'm better... thanks for listening.